Tuesday, March 30, 2004 

So. Let me tell you about my last few days, just because I can.

Friday night, those of us in drama who were left behind (while the rest went to Cleveland with the band) painted the set for the play. Most of us weren't fans of the green paint Moorehead picked out, but I think the set looks pretty good nonetheless. If I look closely, I can still see little dots of black paint on my arms - Mr. Moorehead failed to warn us ahead of time that the black paint wasn't water-based. But, I was very proud of myself for not getting a drop of paint on my clothes the whole night.

Saturday was my brother's birthday party, and, lucky for me, he was craving chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, too. So that's what we had, along with some vanilla ice cream and potato chips. Kurtis came over for the celebration too, and later on he and I decided to try giving him a fauxhawk. Neither one of us was sure how to do it, so we tried to find directions online but didn't have much luck. I told him to just let me try it, and after an hour or two, some gel, some mousse, and lots of hairspray, I was successful: Kurtis had his fauxhawk. We took some pictures; it will probably be ages before I get them developed but they'll probably be on Kurtis's site when I do.

Sunday I thought I was going to be late getting home (we were watching the movie "Matchstick Men" and didn't start it soon enough - I had to leave by 6:30) but lucky for me, my dad, stepmom, and sister were all doing work in the yard and weren't in view of a clock. And when I went in, I read my acceptance letter from Oberlin, which really made my day.

That's all I want to tell you about.

Posted by Rachel at 1:26 PM |

 

haunting presences

lost loves still lingering

hurt hidden in the silence

pain repressed with plastic smiles

secrets dwelling in the dark...

Posted by Rachel at 1:13 PM |

Monday, March 29, 2004 

I got accepted to Oberlin College in Ohio (my first-choice college)! But Kurtis won't wake up so I can tell him.

I'm very excited now.

My dad and stepmom don't understand why I'd want to pay to go there when I can go to SVSU and have my full tuition paid for. Sigh. My dad just went to a community college and my stepmom didn't go to college. So I don't know how to explain it to them. My grandma doesn't want me to just go to SVSU. "Use your potential," she says.

Posted by Rachel at 10:31 AM |

Friday, March 26, 2004 

All the band kids (in other words, 90% of my friends) are away for the weekend in Cleveland. Not only that, but they're going to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, one of my favorite places on Earth (not that that's saying much; I've never even been outside the U.S.).

I'm bored out of my mind and working on plans for yet another new background. I'm not much into the whole ballerina thing anymore.

Life as of late has been pretty uneventful. I go to school, tutor when I feel like it, go to Kurtis's (or to Jeff's for a drum lesson) then drama. I have very little motivation and a few things I should be working on (like my graduation speech...) and the spring-like weather has been making me restless. The only thing I can think of that I'd want to do is take a road trip. See some new scenery. But given my current non-driving status, it's not exactly possible.

I think I need to buy some lotto tickets. Lol maybe I'll get lucky and win some money.

Posted by Rachel at 12:48 PM |

Tuesday, March 23, 2004 

I'm so excited...now that I have a place to host images, I can do whatever I want (within my limited knowledge of html) to my template. Now I have to think of something interesting...

Yeah, I know. I'm such a dork.

P.S. If I knew the word "experiment" would cause so much trouble for people to spell, lol, I would have given my site a different address. I guess I'll have to take a poll next time.

Posted by Rachel at 11:53 AM |

Monday, March 22, 2004 

Woo! Guess who found her own image host!! Let's hear it for Photobucket!!

Anyhow, I'm sure you're all anxious to hear the latest in my soap-opera life, so I won't keep you waiting. Things at home have settled down once again; I'm just waiting for the dust to clear after the explosion Friday morning. She seemed dead-set on the idea that I was 15 minutes late Monday night (which, I know for a fact that I wasn't - I've been especially careful to be home on time every night so that she doesn't break the agreement and make me stay home every night til I graduate). Why she waited until Friday was beyond me; I think it was just a way for her to break the ice and get on my case about never being home and doing stuff around the house.

She cooled off though, and like I said, after a few minor changes, the dust was clear and I was able to go see Katie and Tif in "Fiddler on the Roof" Friday night. I rather enjoyed it (which is saying a lot, as I'm generally not a big fan of musicals [or atleast just not "CATS"]). But you know, I really didn't see the relevance of the actual fiddler on the family's roof, and where the fiddler ties into the plot. My theory is that they couldn't think of a name for the show, so they stuck a fiddle player on the roof at the beginning and named the play after it. *Shrugs* Any guesses?

Posted by Rachel at 10:55 AM |

Friday, March 19, 2004 

Hm. Anyone want to live a real-life soap-opera? Then come stay at my house!

Posted by Rachel at 12:59 PM |

Thursday, March 18, 2004 

My God. I think I may have just read the worst online journal ever kept. I had to stop. The entire entry (which was quite lengthy, mind you) was one huge, long run-on sentence with no punctuation whatsoever - all of the entries were like that! My brain hurts now. I'll not say who it is except that it's no one I've linked to, and the person is on Xanga. *shudders* It's only the sort of thing you hear about; I never thought I'd witness such a thing...

Anyhow. Had another drum lesson at Jeffy's...Monday, I think it was? I'm progressing all right, I think. I wish my dad had his drums set up at home somewhere so I could practice more often - not that I'm ever home. Jeffy also helped me build my new template while I was there that day (we did some work on what is now the picture on this site).

Yesterday I went out driving with Kurtis and his dad; that was a little strange for me. But his dad said I did well...I didn't break any laws or hit anything, which is always a plus.

I got a library card yesterday too.

My stepmom's been weird lately (nothing new there). I haven't been going home 'til late every night, and when I do come home she acts...like she's bothered by something. She won't really carry on a conversation with me. I thought it might be the fact that I'm never home, and they never see me (cuz, you know, I thought they might actually care...). But this morning I told her that I might come home earlier tonight, and she told me how she plans on being gone most of the day, so maybe no one will be home and I should call first (since no one trusts me with a house key).

She's also backed out on her agreement to give me $25 every week. So now I have $35 total to live on indefinitely. She told me I "better talk to" my dad about money. She claims he's giving her enough crap about stuff as it is. Which I think is probably a bunch of B.S., but...whatever. I guess if I do get home early tonight I'll just have to ask him for some money. I mean, since he's paying off my brother for getting my mom to sign joint custody papers.

My stepmom is the one who made me quit my job in the first place. It's not like I'm trying to get in on all the money just because they're giving so much to my brother. But come on, a person needs money to live off of. I told her this morning that I'm going to need more deodorant soon, she just said, "That's nice. You know where the store is." I haven't done a thing to her, and she's being this way. Can anyone blame me for wanting to stay out til curfew every night?

Posted by Rachel at 1:24 PM |

Monday, March 15, 2004 

I should update. I know I should update. But I have nothing to update about. People don't want to read about the meaningless things I spend my time doing. Do they?

Had a drum lesson (of sorts) last Thursday. I didn't get to learn much though because for one, my last lesson was on Halloween (so I've forgotten a lot), and for two, everyone apparently decided to meet at Jeffy's before drama that day and STEAL MY DRUM STICKS.

Went to the funeral Friday. Not really anything too cheerul to write about there. Kurtis and I decided not to be in the procession afterward, so we found the cemetary ourselves and were the first ones there. We ended up finding the preacher (much by luck) and ended up parking in front of the whole procession so as not to be blocked in.

Went to Luke's going-away party Saturday. Got lots of pictures of me with all mah friends. Most of the time I'm the one taking the pictures, so I don't have many of my friends with me in them too. I should now though. If they turned out good.

Oh. I drove a bit on Saturday too. My mom's nice new car. I've decided that once I find out which half of Spring Break I spend with her, I'm going to have her call and schedule me a driver's test. Might as well get it over with.

Posted by Rachel at 10:37 AM |

Thursday, March 11, 2004 

For all my adoring fans...(and everyone else too).

Name: as if you didn't know...
Birth Date: January 20, 1986
Birth Place: Eaton Rapids
Current Location: High school library
Eye Color: Greenish
Hair Color: Light brown
Height: 5'11"
Lefty or Righty: Righty...I've been working on writing with my left hand though, and I'm pretty good at it
Zodiac Sign: right on the verge of Capricorn and Aquarius

LAYER TWO
Your Heritage: er...German, Russian, a little bit of Indian, and a few others. I can't remember.
Your Weakness: Hm. I'm a very strong-willed person. So I have no idea.
Your Fears: Getting old and becoming helpless. Also, poisonous spiders and strange scary bugs.
Your Perfect Pizza: Pepperoni only. Maybe some garlic-flavored crust.
Goal You'd Like To Achieve: to do all the things on my 101 list.

LAYER THREE
Your Most Overused Phrase On AIM: lol; er; aight
Your First Thoughts Waking Up: most days: I want more sleep!
Your Best Physical Feature: all modesty aside, I guess I'd say my eyes.
Your Bedtime: usually around 10pm on weekdays; weekends, it varies.
Your Most Missed Memory: I suppose just summer times...

LAYER FOUR
Pepsi or Coke? neither - I don't like pop. Or anything carbonated for that matter.
McDonald's or Burger King? McDonald's - you know, ever since working there, I get a stomach ache whenever I eat at Burger King.
Single or Group Dates? Depends on the occasion
Adidas or Nike? Who cares? I like Skechers, really...
Lipton Tea or Nestea? Not into tea
Chocolate or Vanilla? Usually chocolate, unless I'm in the mood for vanilla
Cappucinno or Coffee? Not big into coffee, but the cappucino mix Jake used to make at McD's was really good - he added ice cream and lots of sugar.

LAYER FIVE
Smoke? Nope
Cuss? only mildly
Sing? If I'm not feeling self-concious - usually when I'm alone.
Shower Daily? Except for in rare instances
Have a Crush? of course
Do you think you've been in love? yes'm, I do believe so.
Want to go to college? Of course.
Like(d) high school? It's all right - it has its moments.
Want to get married? Yep.
Believe in yourself? usually. I doubt myself a lot too though.
Get motion sickness? very, very rarely when I read in the car.
Think you're attractive? I have my good points.
Get along with your parent(s)? um....
Like thunderstorms? very much. Love 'em, in fact.
Play an instrument? I try.

LAYER SIX
In the past month...
Drank alcohol? Nope
Smoked? No.
Done a drug? Only if Motrin or Ibuprofen counts
Made Out? yeah
Gone on a date? does Tony's count?
Gone to the mall? probably.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos? No...last time we had some, someone else beat me to them.
Eaten sushi? I've never tried sushi. I'm not very adventureous when it comes to food.
Been dumped? Nope.
Gone skating? nope.
Made homemade cookies? Hm...in the last month, no. Not even in the last year unless you count no-bake cookies.
Dyed your hair:? No. My dad threatened to shave my head if I dyed it any exciting color. I want red highlights though.
Stolen anything? a nickel and a dime from Jeffy. But he said I could keep it.

LAYER SEVEN
Ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing? um...
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated? Nuh uh. Don't plan on it, either.
Been called a tease? yeah..
Gotten beaten up? Not that I can recall.
Shoplifted? A pack of gum when I was like 6. My mom saw it when we got home, yelled at me and put it on top of the refrigerator, but a week or so later she let me have it.
Changed who you were to fit in? I sorta tried once in middle school, but it didn't really work. I just change to suit myself, now. Which is almost every day - I can be very hard to satisfy.

LAYER EIGHT
Age you hope to be married: Hm...probably sometime after college.
Numbers and Names of Children: One, possibly two (yeah, a boy and a girl). As for names, I haven't picked out anything specific but I want something a little unusual.
Describe your Dream Wedding: I used to want a big fancy wedding, but I don't know if the two sides of my family would get over themselves and get along for the duration of it. So maybe something small. I want the fancy white dress though!
How do you want to die: In my sleep when I'm very old.
Where you want to go to college: My top choice is Oberlin in Ohio.
What do you want to be when you grow up: Um...a grown-up. I haven't decided yet.
What country would you most like to visit: pretty much all of the countries in Europe

LAYER NINE
In a guy...
Best eye color: brown
Best hair color: dark
Short or long hair: longer
Height: taller than me
Best weight: eh, who cares.
Best first date location: no preference. Somewhere fun.
Best first kiss location: ...the lips?...

LAYER TEN
Number of CDs that I own: Wow. I'd guess somewhere in the area of 60 - 70. But some of them are duplicates, due to my dad's "what you buy at your mom's, stays at your mom's" policy. Which I stopped following.
Number of piercings: two - one in each ear.
Number of tattoos: None.
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: several. Once just yesterday, actually - along with a picture!
Number of scars: a couple from when I had chicken pox, and one on my arm from an unfortunate incident with the over-sized roll of saran wrap at McDonald's.
Number of things in my past that I regret: a very few. I try not to do stupid things.

Posted by Rachel at 1:25 PM |

Wednesday, March 10, 2004 

The other night my stepmom asked me, "What do you want?" The question had to do with something specific, but even so it struck me for some reason and I started to think about it in terms of my life in general. I really don't know what I want anymore, with anything. The first thing I know I do want would be a driver's license, no question about that. Aside from that though, what do I want? In life, I mean. My life doesn't seem to have much direction at the moment - I don't even know for sure what college I'm going to go to yet. It feels like I've been so busy, and like I've got so many things to do, and so far I'm not seeing any of the results of all my efforts.

I guess this isn't an unusual problem...

A couple weeks back I started on a list of 101 Things I Want to do Before I Die. I've only gotten to #23. I don't know what I want.

And all this freedom, I don't know what to do with that either. It's nice, but...there's only so much to do in a small town.

Posted by Rachel at 1:23 PM |

Monday, March 08, 2004 

You know, Thursday might be my least favorite day of the week, but I don't like Mondays much either.

Posted by Rachel at 1:17 PM |

 

I've had Rasputina's version of "You Don't Own Me" stuck in my head since listening to it this morning. Kurtis sent me home with one of their CDs last night (can't remember which one it is) and I rather like it. But I feel like...I don't know. Like it's not my place to listen to a group like Rasputina or something. It's really hard to explain.

I'm just weird, I guess...

Last Monday when I told my stepmom I wanted to leave, she was upset, as would be expected I guess. She wanted to know why, and trying to explain it to her was difficult. She kept saying how I've done all these things to her, and been mean to her too and so on, like she was trying to make me feel guilty. I just told her, "Well, if I left, you wouldn't have to deal with it anymore." She wanted to make a deal though so that I would stay, and well, the deal was pretty good. I guess basically I finally get the freedoms now that most kids my age take for granted, but I'd rather have them here than half an hour away (where my mom lives). So no, once again I didn't leave. But you know what? This time I've only got a couple of months to wait out. I've dealt with it this long; I can last two more months. Especially if things stay the way they are.

Now, I'm just trying to get used to this "freedom." Between school ending at 2:30 and drama at 5pm I'm allowed to go and do as I please; not that I can get very far without a license - I generally end up walking. I don't have many places to go, either, here in town. I've ended up at Kurtis's more often than not lately. Heh, I don't know what I'll do if he ever decides to make plans that involve leaving his house. It won't be a problem once the weather gets nicer...Actually, I don't suppose it's a problem now. I exaggerated a bit.

Lately this quote keeps popping into my mind randomly, while I'm walking:

"People are strange
when you're a stranger
faces are ugly
when you're alone..."

I do believe it is the doors, whom I strongly dislike, but I like the quote just the same.

Posted by Rachel at 11:54 AM |

Tuesday, March 02, 2004 

Xanga sucks! Blogger's better!

So it seems that the rest of the world (or just the people in this po-dunk town) are opting for a Xanga website rather than blogger. And it makes me wonder: am I the cool one for mastering blogger, rather than going for something so easy as Xanga? Or am I somehow out of the loop, not quite up to the standards of the superior Xanga community?

Eh, well, I found a few other people that I know and might link. Just so I can check out their sites, and all their friend's sites, and everyone in freakin' STC that has a site....

Wait. Why would I want to do something so silly?

Because I am a link whore! That's why. Lol. I can always get rid of the links if they suck...but I'm too lazy now.

Posted by Rachel at 11:32 AM |

 

Well, things worked out a bit different than expected.

Posted by Rachel at 10:28 AM |

Monday, March 01, 2004 

help

Everything at my house is ridiculous. So I made the decision to leave, I started a plan and started acting on that plan. My stepmom is still not speaking to me as of this morning before school, so I figured nothing's changed and nothing will change. Every single other person I've talked to tells me that my parents are crazy, and that there's no reason for me to be there still. They all think that the reason my stepmom isn't speaking to me is stupid.

My dad yelled at me last week (when I was upset because I couldn't go to drama) and told me that I need to grow up. And for once, I agree with him: I do have a lot of growing up to do. And I don't think that I can do that in their house. I'm not allowed to do anything for myself.

So anyway, I decided that I want to just go. Over the course of the next two weeks I planned on bringing the things I would need with me to school, and have my brother take them to my mom's for me. And I figured that the next time I went to my mom's, I just wouldn't come back. It makes me nervous though, thinking about all my college stuff and graduation plans and etc...but I think I've figured most of it out.

So anyway, I started my plan this morning, when I got an email from my stepmom:

Hay, I got a prom dress in the mail today.....
Is it time for you to talk to me or do I return it?
Are you going to admit you were wrong? Rude? etc.?
Or do you have OTHER plans you have neglected to inform your father of? Leaving anytime soon are you? (before graduation that is?)

I don't know what to do....

UPDATE:
I sent her an email in response:

Actually....I was - am - thinking about leaving. I do admit that I went about the situation the wrong way, and I wish I hadn't. I could probably get the magazines back if you wanted, but I know that's not the whole point.

But yes. I'm considering leaving sometime soon. I didn't want to go about it this way, but...I don't know.

God help me now.

Posted by Rachel at 10:29 AM |