Tuesday, May 30, 2006 

Yes, it's true, for those who aren't sure, Jeff does have amnesia as a result of his recent surgery. The doctor said he should be able to recover most of his memory as time progresses, but he doesn't remember people all that well, especially ones he's met/become closer to in the past few years. He's also forgotten almost all recent events (like where he works)/learned skills (such as guitar). I won't go too into detail beyond that, as it's his story to tell and not mine (if he chooses to do so). But I will say this, it's so strange to have your best friend forget nearly everything about you in just one weekend. His personality is still the same, just the memories that go with it are gone...hopefully only temporarily though.

At first I suspected that he might be screwing with us, part of me still wonders if he is (it'd be a great joke, after all) but I'm quite certain that he's not. It's so odd...

Posted by Rachel at 10:48 PM |

Thursday, May 25, 2006 

So yesterday I did three things that are completely uncharacteristic of me.

One, I voluntarily ate at Taco Bell - for the second time this week!
Two, I actually shopped in Abercrombie & Fitch, then Hollister (though I didn't buy anything).
Three, I completely cleaned out my car - I'm talking spray cleaner and everything. There was an entire garbage bag's worth of trash between my back seat and my trunk. Ridiculous.


I'm thinking maybe I'll go open an account at Family Video and watch some movies. After I do some more spring cleaning, maybe. They give you all rentals half off for the first month, which I'm thinking I'd like to take advantage of.

Posted by Rachel at 4:16 PM |

Wednesday, May 24, 2006 

To the boy I can't seem to let go of:

I need to get some thoughts down, so I'm going to do it here. Maybe you'll read it, maybe you won't; at this particular moment that's not the most important thing.

I don't want to let you go. Or rather, this time I simply cannot seem to. Maybe it's because I've let myself see you and spend a little time with you even after I told you that I didn't want a relationship with you (or anyone, for that matter) at this point in time. The thought crossed my mind that maybe I can't let go because I'm afraid of being alone...but I know better than that now. There are advantages to being alone and I know that I can always find somebody there, ready to keep me company, if I so desire.

Admittedly all the changes you made overwhelmed me. I've been told that people don't change like you did but I've realized that this isn't true. Some people are strong enough to do just that if they feel the cause is worthy. Was I worthy? At this point I don't know, nor do I think it matters right now. I didn't fully appreciate what you'd done, and now I realize that this was another mistake on my part. I can't help but fear now that you might slip back into your old ways, or decide that I wasn't worthy after all.

I don't know what to do now. I've gone back and forth with you so many times that people (youself included) are likely starting to discredit my feelings and my ability (or lack thereof) to make decisions. The first time, after we were apart for two or three weeks, I felt like I was finally getting over you. But I had a breakdown one night, only a few days before you contacted me. I just could not comprehend why you were worth everything to me, worth all the trouble, all the fighting and ridiculous trivial problems, yet you didn't feel that I was worth it to you. People told me that you didn't deserve me, that I could do better. But that never matters; ultimately it's my decision who I deem worthy of my affections, and even then, do we really get to choose who we love?

Once I hit that low, the only way I could really go was up. Once I let myself face the realization of how deep you hurt me, I felt like I could start to move on (though apparently I hadn't moved on, because I went back to you when the opportunity came). And now this time feels different. Should I wait three weeks and see if I start to feel that way again? I've already made some realizations in the short time that we've been apart that lead me to believe that the longer I wait to take action, the more I'll miss out on being with you.

People tried to tell me that the reason you came back to me was because the other avenues you pursued (with girls - a certain one in particular) didn't work out. But you discredited that theory yourself without even realizing it by telling me what you'd done while we were apart, and I never once doubted the sincerity of your newfound affection for me. We did move much too fast and I'll be the first to admit that it was largely my fault. I wasn't quite ready to be "us" again, especially not that quickly.

Am I ready now? Not just yet. I was still changing when I went back to you the first time and I feel like I'm not quite done yet. But I miss being part of your world a little more each day, and at this rate I'll be doing the opposite of getting over you. For now though, I will wait. See what happens, make sure that I'm absolutely sure this time. I refuse to make the mistake of jumping back into anything because I know where that path leads. I owe you (and myself) that much. I realize that in waiting, I face the risk of you moving on without me. Being faced with that thought causes a wave of dread that makes my stomach clench painfully (I learned this firsthand when your roommate tried to tell me that you were taking someone else to your sister's wedding reception). But it's a risk I have to face, I guess, because I still ultimately believe that "what's meant to be will be."

Let it be known though that I still love you, and when I do see you, I have to will myself not to hug you. Maybe you can see why I didn't just tell you all of this directly? It's a lot to dump on somebody who probably has no idea what my motives are. If you do read this, maybe it'll be because you miss me, like last time. Maybe this will be comfort to you. Or maybe you'll never visit here again and all of this will remain unknown to you.

What's meant to be will be.

Posted by Rachel at 9:19 AM |

Tuesday, May 23, 2006 

So I've made quite the mess of my (love) life and now I'm just trying to straighten everything out. I'm pretty sure I'm figuring out what I want, even though it would appear that I've made a move in the opposite direction. This time though, I'm not going forward in ANY direction until I'm absolutely sure of what I want. Because I moved too fast in too many directions last time and ended up making this mess I'm in now.

And now that I've spoken in ridiculously vague terms, I'll be a little more specific about some of my life's happenings. I bought The Raconteurs' album (Jack White's [of the White Stripes] new band) and there's a couple tracks on it that I really like - tracks 1 & 10 being my favorite so far.

What else? I've been spending more time tutoring at the school, and Old Navy has cut hours, which kind of sucks. I really don't want to have to look for another job again after Webber (the school) gets out for the summer. I heard a rumor today that they're giving most of the hours to the keyholders (part of their ridiculous move to "specialty store") and blah blah (I'm not a keyholder, which means bye bye hours for me). The GM also resigned sometime within the last month or two, which is disappointing because she was one of my favorite managers ever.

And finally, I went to the drama play on Sunday and it was quite fun. Also nice to see people I haven't seen in awhile, both those in the play and those who've already graduated like myself but came back to see the play. Afterwards, Jeff, Dan, Josh, Ren, Cherie, Joe, and myself went out to the Red Eye, which was fun. But I was retarded and forgot my camera so alas, there will be no pictures this time.

Posted by Rachel at 4:32 PM |

Wednesday, May 17, 2006 

I'm sure you're all ridiculously excited to hear about my trip and see some pictures, so I won't keep you waiting any longer.

I left Flint for Chicago at 641am, and took a train. It was about a 5.5 hour ride.


We got to Chicago at about 1130ish, their time (an hour behind) and took a cab to our 15-story hotel, which was right downtown.


Once we got checked in and put our stuff in our room, we went downstairs, stepped outside, and said, "whoa." There were skyscrapers all around us - a pretty neat sight, if I may say so myself. Our first conquest was to wander up and down Michigan Avenue.




We then started shopping, because I am a shopping addict. The malls are impressive - they're built upward, instead of spread out on one level, and there were like 4 of them right on the "Magnificent Mile."

This particular one was about 8 levels high (with a food court on the 8th level [which we didn't eat at]); there were escalators and elevators in the center.


Once we worked up an appetite from all the walking we ended up at the Hard Rock Cafe for dinner.

We wanted ice cream later on that night, and the only place that wasn't ridiculously expensive was McDonald's.


The next day we visited Navy Pier, where we rode a very large ferris wheel and walked through an indoor park.




We went to the Art Institute too (but not until 45 minutes before they closed, because we decided to walk there).


The third and final day, we visited the Sears tower.

It was 103 stories high, or something like that, and gave a pretty nice view of the city (even though it was raining and cloudy that particular day, so our visibility wasn't as great as some days).






After our Sears Tower visit, we hopped on our train (which left at 3pm the third day) and came home. And here I am.

Posted by Rachel at 6:42 PM |

Monday, May 08, 2006 

Leaving for Chicago bright and early tomorrow morning, should be the getaway I need right now. Just in time for the trip, my credit card company upped my limit another $1500 (those who know me know that this is bad news). Anyway, no internet for me for a few days, but feel free to call me, I like talking to people. :P

Who knows, maybe if you're lucky I'll call you. Otherwise, I shall update when I get back.

Posted by Rachel at 3:35 PM |

Saturday, May 06, 2006 

So it's weird, I guess I drink now. Who'd have thought?

Life has been ridiculously dramatic lately, but I'm trying not to get too caught up in the drama. At the risk of sounding conceited, I had no idea that so many boys would be interested in me (haha). My heart is arguing back and forth over two in particular, and I don't know which side is winning. I hate the fact that no matter what I choose, someone is going to end up hurt. So I'm purposely taking my time. Next week is Chicago, from Tuesday to Thursday. Some time away might give me some perspective, I hope.

It's Saturday night and I'm sitting home by myself, but this time it's by choice. So that means I'm not lame, right? Sure it does. I've had two offers to hang out but I could use a little "me" time. Which probably translates to, "I'm going to go to bed early because I'm still pretty tired after last night."

I've been changing a lot lately, and I think it's for the better. I'm starting to realize what's really worth fighting for and what's not actually as important as I first thought. I'm becoming a little more easygoing, I think, and more open to trying new things (by "new things," I mainly mean, "various drinks that people put in front of me and tell me to try"). I've been doing a lot of things that aren't really characteristically "me," (nothing TOO serious), but everyone's allowed a phase, right?

Okay, party pictures. This is only a small sample cuz I didn't feel like resizing them all. If you have facebook, there's more on my profile there.
















Posted by Rachel at 10:12 PM |

Thursday, May 04, 2006 

Just when I thought my life was going to go in one direction, it's completely turned upside down again.

Wow. That's all I can say. I am blown away.

Posted by Rachel at 4:52 PM |

Wednesday, May 03, 2006 

I lied. My new lowest point was last night...I've been miserable for awhile, just burying it as I am so good at doing...Last night I couldn't take it anymore though; I put in my "Songs to Make You Cry" CD and did just that....cried. I thought I was doing better than I really was. I guess even now I can't get past the fact (or couldn't at that point, anyway) that even though I thought it was worth it, that he was worth it, to stay together and work through our problems, he didn't seem to think so. I guess I've never really had the experience of caring so much about someone who doesn't feel the same way about me. At least not until now.

But, when you hit rock bottom, there's two ways to go: straight up or sideways. And it still hurts to think that he's trying to get back with his ex (or so Matt says), and I wouldn't say that I'm 100% over him. But Jeff and Veresh both seem to believe that I'm better than that, and that I shouldn't be wasting my time and tears on him because he's not worth it. And as much as I felt like he was, I think now that maybe they're right. Because if he was worth it, we'd be together now, or something.

But, after a couple nights of drinking (not too heavily, but regardless, those who know me know that this is completely out of the ordinary for me), as well as some other uncharacteristic behaviors (not necessarily all bad, but not all good either), I think I'm starting to catch up with myself and return to my better judgement. And while I'm by no means completely "back to normal" (and probably never will be - though I view this as a good thing) I think I'm finally on my way to actually maybe getting a grip.

Posted by Rachel at 9:39 PM |

Tuesday, May 02, 2006 

You know you've reached a new low when, at 4am, you're wandering around the block of the apartment complex your ex-boyfriend lives at, attempting to avoid running into him coming home from work while drinking a cape codder (sp?) with a friend and waiting for said ex-boyfriend's roommate to finish playing Warcraft so that he can come drink with you too.

This was my night last night.

Posted by Rachel at 7:59 PM |