Saturday, October 30, 2004 

My eyes have dark circles under them. Whether it's from the mascara I'm too lazy to wash off before I go to bed or from chronic lack of sleep, I don't know. I am tired a lot, like right now. But so many things take precedence over sleep on my priority list.

Do you ever just feel inadequate?

Last night Dan and I were going to go out with Anna and Alex. But Alex bailed, so it was just the three of us. We went to the mall for food, then we were going to go see "The Vagina Monologues" here at SVSU but the theatre was full. So we went to Matt's and played Monopoly. I actually didn't lose for once - though I was probably well on my way when we decided to quit for the night.

My stomach hurts. Not from hunger or nausea...it's kind of like that feeling you get when you're dreading something. But I don't know what it is I have to dread.

Kurtis showed me this website online where you sign up and create a profile, then starting November 1, you work on writing a novel, and your goal is to have 50,000 words by November 30. I really don't have the time to write 1000+ words a day, but I think I might sign up anyway, because I got an idea for a novel that will be rather therapeutic for me to write. Which means more things are going to be put off (like sleep) so that I can work on it. Who knows if it will even be good, but I figure I'll give it a shot, at least.

Jeff says that if I were "a musical thing", I would be an arpeggio. Because I like fun things. Things that have a "cool art feel," he says.

I wonder if a person can ever actually become exactly what it is they want to become? At the time being I believe it's impossible for myself because what I want myself to be is ever-changing...

That's my deep thought for the day.

Posted by Rachel at 10:44 AM |

Wednesday, October 27, 2004 

curse you, parking ticket issuer

curse you, parking ticket issuer

I got a parking ticket here at SVSU, which was really the icing on the cake of my shit day. Well, okay, the day didn't actually suck (I was just feeling sort of down). Then I went out to my car. I was on my way to work; I'd had to park in a different spot last night because the bastards who plan parking for residents here at SVSU are also morons (they're building more housing literally in the parking lot of LCS - there's not damn near enough parking for us! Where are these people supposed to park?!?). The sign for the lot I chose to park in last night specifically said, "Free and Metered Parking. Permit required 2am to 6am."

Anyway, I'm running late as it is, and I'm driving down Fox Dr. to leave, when I notice a little yellow envelope tucked neatly under my driver's side windshield. When I noticed it, I said (and I quote), "Fuck." I read the little slip, and the violation states, "parking 2am to 6am." What the crap? Am I the moron here? What the hell is that orange sticker on my back window if it isn't a damn permit?

Now I have to figure out where I have to go to bitch to someone. I could use that $10 they want to fine me for something a lot more useful.

On a brighter note (or perhaps unfortunately, as far as my bank account is concerned) I got out of work almost an hour early tonight.

Posted by Rachel at 9:32 PM |

 

down

I've been feeling strangely down and alone lately, which I don't blame on anyone but myself, yet I have no idea how to remedy it. I don't really care to talk about it, I don't know what the cause of my problem is, but if I seem to be acting a little strangely or a little quicker to lose my patience, this is why.

It's a difficult feeling to describe. Oh yeah, this will work: depression. As far as I know, there's nothing anyone can do about it. I'll just say, don't worry about me, I'll be fine.

I always am.

Posted by Rachel at 3:44 PM |

Monday, October 25, 2004 

The other day while I was at my house (my mom's house) and I found a box of stuff that was Kurtis's. I was going to drop it off at his house but he wasn't there so I kept it and talked to him online that night about it. We made plans for him to come out here Wednesday to get it after his classes. So Wednesday he did, and we hung out together for awhile. As usual he was a bad influence on me, convincing me to skip history class in favor of the mall. At the mall we looked at shoes, then I decided I wanted some ice cream so we headed over to the Golden Twirl. Paul's sister Jenny was working, and she let it slip that Paul was coming up from Georgia this weekend. He wanted it to be a surprise, silly boy. He should have let us know ahead of time so we could rearrange our schedules and make plans.:P I talked to him that night online but all he knew at the time was that he was going to the football game in STC; he didn't know what he was doing (if anything) afterward. I had to work til 10 Friday night so I couldn't go to the game, and I had no real way to get ahold of him once he left Georgia.

Thursday night I went by McDonald's and Nacho was working -- I hadn't seen him probably since Luke's visit. We talked for awhile and I told him that Paul was coming up and going to the game; no one had told him. We also talked about having not seen each other in awhile and about hanging out together Friday night after I got out of work. He told me to call him.

Friday night I did call him; turns out he went to the game to see Paul and they made the plans to go to Hot Shots later that night to hang out for awhile. So around midnight I met him, Paul, Urbain, and Dan at Hot Shots, which was cool. Paul is the same as ever, lol, except for a bit of facial hair. It was good to see him.

Isn't it strange how such a chain of events can be set off from something as simple as a box?

Posted by Rachel at 11:31 PM |

 

Aren't I pretty?

I know I keep talking about the guitar but I've got to do it again. I'm really liking it a lot. I'd say I wish I started sooner, but actually, I think I started at just the right time. It helps me clear my mind of everything I have to do, everything that bothers me, and everything else I'd like to stop thinking about for awhile. It alleviates my boredom as well, which makes it infitely wonderful. I've gotten better at "Heart-Shaped Box" and just tonight I mostly mastered the beginning of Collective Soul's "December." It makes me happy. My fingertips hurt, which I'm actually glad for - it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something and the pain serves as a reminder of that accomplishment.

The only bad thing about all this is that I put off my homework (and many other things) in favor of the guitar. Next up is learning chords.

Let's see, what else is going on in my life? Uh...Working a lot. I had 25 hours last week and 25 again this week, on top of my classes. But the good news is that I have Thursday, Friday, and Sunday off. Not sure what I'm doing on these days yet - I do know that Saturday night after work Ryan and I are hitting the Haunted House as per our yearly tradition. As for Halloween, I have no idea - I wanted to dress up and go trick-or-treating, but lack of planning and lack of money has left me costumeless with only six days to go.

Someone should have a Halloween party. Or at least plan something for the weekend that would be exciting. Otherwise I'll just have to sit around and put off homework in favor of the guitar, which I already do during the week..

Posted by Rachel at 10:45 PM |

 

procrastination

One of these days I'm going to back myself into a hole I can't get out of with all the procrastination I keep doing. For example, I've had an English project/paper to be working on for a week or two now, but didn't touch it until this morning - it's due at 4:00 today. I am proud to say that I finished it though. As well as the history terms I had to do for the quiz today. But I've got some more work to do tonight - like actually reading the chapters that the theatre exam is going to cover tomorrow....

I better get to class.

Posted by Rachel at 2:16 PM |

Thursday, October 21, 2004 

I feel special. I was mentioned on both Jeffy's and Kurtis's websites yesterday. I saw Kurtis yesterday. I had a box of his stuff to give back to him so I had him come over after he got out of class. It was nice to see him; it's been awhile. And since I mentioned to him how I wanted to learn the guitar, he brought me his. I told him I was going to keep it; he didn't seem to mind the idea too much. "I only bought it to impress you anyway," he said.

I'm not going to keep it. But it's good to know that I don't have to be in any rush to buy my own.

So far I'm enjoying playing around with it, even though it could use a bit of tuning. The fingertips on my left hand are rather sore from fretting (or trying to) but I'm determined. I just hope I don't lose interest like I have with most of my other projects. So far it's helped to occupy my mind a great deal, which is just what I needed.

I've started looking at the course catalogue to figure out my schedule for winter semester. So far it's looking pretty good - piano I, sociology and Intro to Creative Writing on Mondays and Wednesdays; Intro to Drawing and French I on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have one more credit to play around with in order to fulfill my 31 for the year; right now it's a toss-up between a Swing/Social Dance course and a Women's Self-Defense course. I'd probably get more out of a self-defense course, but dance sounds like so much fun...I have til November 8th to decide.

Work tonight, but it's pay day and I also get my schedule for next week. I really hope they gave me more than one day off this time. The other day I have off this week I had to ask for. Maybe I'll just take a whole bunch of random days off within the next few weeks. Anyone have suggestions for which days?

The sun is actually out now, which brightens my mood considerably.

I'm off to attempt learning "Heart-Shaped Box" and "Under the Bridge." Eh, crap. I have to leave for work.


Posted by Rachel at 4:24 PM |

 

guitar

I'm learning the guitar!!! Woooo!

Thanks to Kurtis for supplying the guitar and thanks to Jeff for helping me figure out what to do with it...

I'm gonna be a rock star!

Not really though.

Posted by Rachel at 1:19 AM |

Wednesday, October 20, 2004 

Hm. I want to write a post but I can't think of anything to write about. Any ideas?

Posted by Rachel at 1:04 AM |

Tuesday, October 19, 2004 

I've been working quite a bit lately; in fact, every day since last Thursday. But lucky for me, the shifts don't drag on - time passes reasonably quickly. And the extra money will help balance the loss my bank account took from my car repairs...

I've also been coming to some realizations lately. They've changed my outlook on certain aspects of life a little bit. Now I have to adjust my life accordingly - but all in good time. I realize that, as vague as I'm being, none of this probably means anything to any of you. But it's helping me to settle this strange uneasiness I've been feeling lately. For a few weeks or so now, I guess. I hate it when something's troubling me but I can't figure out what it is. Now that I've sort of figured it out, I have to figure out what to do about it. But like I said, all in due time...

I've also been contemplating the idea of learning how to play some musical instruments. I plan to take a piano class next semester if I can fit it in my schedule, and I think I'm gonna bug Jeffy about more drum lessons. But I've also debated taking up the guitar. I feel like throwing myself into something, dedicating myself to something. Music would probably be more beneficial than drugs, yes? I need something worthy to occupy my mind. Hehe, you'd think college would be enough...

Today on my way to theatre class I walked by the choir classroom (I'm assuming it's choir, they're always singing when I go by) and they were singing pretty Christmas music. And it made me excited for Christmas. I love the atmosphere around Christmas time - it's the only thing that makes winter worthwhile.


Posted by Rachel at 3:14 PM |

Friday, October 15, 2004 

Firefox

Dear Firefox,

Fine, I'll admit it. I may have judged you too hastily before. But you just don't mess with a girl's Galaga. You just don't.

But that's a thing of the past, and that's not why I'm writing you. I actually want to tell you that all past grievances are forgiven. You mess up my website template and you don't show the fancy scroll bars. But you know what? None of that matters now. Because you don't link the term "peanut butter" without me asking you to, and you work a bazillion times faster than Internet Explorer.

I just want to hug you. I honestly jumped for joy when I discovered that I no longer have to sit and wait three minutes for a web page to load. I seriously got up and did a little dance. It was pathetic, I'm sure, and probably better that you didn't see.

Anyway, I'm glad you're back.

Sincerely,
Rachel
-----------------------
Dear Internet Explorer,

I cannot begin to list off all of the obscenities that come to mind when I hear your name. I've repressed so many cuss words (and let a few slip that I normally wouldn't) all because of you. I hope you're satisfied with your terrible performance, because it's earned all of your shortcuts a one-way trip to the Recycle Bin.

That's all I have to say to you. Bitch.

Sincerely,
Rachel

Posted by Rachel at 11:12 PM |

Wednesday, October 13, 2004 

Sometimes I think I'm neurotic.

And maybe a little obsessive-compulsive.

I catch myself counting my steps sometimes while I'm walking. Usually I don't even realize I'm doing it at first. And I can't step on the cracks on sidewalks. And walking down the patterned hall in the main SVSU building, if I step on a black tile with one foot than the other foot has to step on a black tile too. Things have to be even.

When I catch myself doing it, I force myself to stop. Just the same, I find it a little strange. But such is the case with the workings of my inner mind. But I suppose everyone thinks that the way their mind works is strange.

Posted by Rachel at 7:30 PM |

 

Note to self: START DRAWING AGAIN.

Cuz, you know, you're like good at it and stuff.

Posted by Rachel at 6:44 PM |

 

really?

I should eat. I know I should eat but I don't want to. My bread is moldy and I can't eat that. Which means I can't eat what I planned to eat because it requires bread. But if I don't find something to eat I'm going to be hungry at work. I don't get out til 11, I'll be starving by then. But I don't feel like eating right now. I don't feel like doing much of anything right now.

Anna just IMed me. But she just wants to know why Dan isn't talking. He's not talking to me either. Probably forgot to put up an away message. There's no one around to talk to. I wish I had someone to talk to but I guess I don't have much to say anyway. And I can understand how a person would prefer the company of another over me - I often would prefer the company of another over myself as well.

I don't want to go to work tonight. It shouldn't be that bad but sometimes I just really don't like my job. But I need the money. My bank account is suffering a bit as it is. I had to buy two new tires for my car. But when I did that the auto place just found more problems that I have to get fixed that will cost me more money. Like a transmission flush. My car needs a transmission flush. So I have to go to work. I have to take care of my car.

My hands are cold. And it's getting dark outside even though it's only 6pm. I don't like fall. I don't like the cold and the early darkness. I don't like having the sun set before dinner. The colored leaves are pretty, sure. But colored leaves are hardly an even exchange for the cold and the dark. Besides, all the leaves are going to die and fall off pretty soon anyway. Then all that will be left is the cold and the dark. I don't mind the dark. But I don't like too much of it. And I hate it when my hands are always cold.

I need some intelligent conversation. My train of thought can only entertain me for so long. Sometimes it's a rather intelligent train of thought but talking to myself would just make me seem crazy. I don't want to make that a habit, no matter how intelligent the converstion is. I want a conversation in which someone else takes part. I don't know what there is to converse intelligently about but there has to be something.

I really should eat.

Posted by Rachel at 5:43 PM |

Tuesday, October 12, 2004 

Spyware needs to DIE

Spyware needs to DIE.

Because of it, my computer has taken upon itself the notion that it should add in helpful links on webpages I view. For example, the terms "peanut butter," "hair dye," "tacky glue," and "police car" are now links on pages which they're mentioned.

Not to mention the pop-up ads that are outsmarting the Google toolbar and the fact that my computer runs anciently slow.

Spybot and Ad-Aware aren't catching the bastards. Any other suggestions?

Posted by Rachel at 11:59 AM |

Monday, October 11, 2004 

It's really starting to become "one of those days."

I stayed at Dan's last night. I didn't want to get up this morning, even though I was by myself since Dan left at 6something to go to work. I didn't want him to leave, though obviously he didn't have much choice. Clarice kept me company though...she's a sweet kitty. She slept on the bed with me for awhile and let me pet her and cuddle her. I finally did get up to face the day (somewhat reluctantly) just a bit before 11am. Made it back here by noon, only to find that there wasn't a single decent parking spot to be found within a freaking mile radius of Living Center South. After driving around for probably 10-15 minutes I finally said "screw it" and threw some change in one of the meters. I wanted to be within walking distance of the building, at least. I hoped that if I waited an hour than someone would have to leave and free up a spot.

I came in, showered, and cooked a chicken patty for a sandwich, only to find that my bread is starting to mold. I sighed, tore off the moldy parts, and ate the bread anyway. Hopefully I don't get sick.

I went back out to my car to find a University Police car nearby. I bitterly figured that they were waiting for the time on my meter to run out so that they could ticket me, but upon getting closer I realized that no one was in the car. Which is good because my meter had expired (bastard meter, my watch said I had a minute left).

My luck hasn't run out completely, I guess, because I did manage to find a spot that was actually in the LCS parking lot.

Now I'm sitting here, dreading class, wishing I had someone to talk to that would actually hold a conversation with me. I'm not really looking forward to my week at all. I have papers to write, math to do, and from here it looks like I'll be working most of the weekend, which is generally the thing I have to look forward to if nothing else.

I could continue on, but I'll end it here. Thank you for reading (if you've gotten this far), have a nice day.

Posted by Rachel at 1:33 PM |

Thursday, October 07, 2004 

Well. I got this really cool idea that it would be fun to try and add red highlights to my hair. So I bought the crap and decided to wait til 11pm to put it in. I showered, towel dried my hair, followed the instructions - there's no little cap to pull your hair through, just this bottle with a somewhat-pointed end. I say somewhat because it's basically like the tip of a bottle of tacky glue. Yet somehow you're supposed to be able to apply it precisely the way you want it to your hair. Where the logic is in this, I know not.

So anyway, I'm putting blood red goo in my hair via a glue bottle and I happen to look down at the floor. Guess what greets my eyesight? A lovely, dime-sized bloodred drop of hair dye. And by now it's been there for awhile, so it's not coming off. Sonuvabitch. I put the towel down over it, after attempting to wipe it off. Not my best idea. Cuz when the towel moves, so does the hair dye. Now there's two stains on the floor.

The package says to leave the goo in for a maximum of 30 minutes. Sitting here now, it's probably been about an hour and a half since I put the first strands of color into my hair. But the back of my head hasn't had hairdye in it for 30 minutes yet, and I don't want the back to be lighter than the front...I finally stopped putting the stuff in it after I realized, hey, if I don't use enough, I can add more later! Plus, if I really screw it up, it washes out in 6-12 shampoos anyway.

Hey! D'ya think if I shampoo the floor 6-12 times, the dye will come out?

I guess I better go rinse.

UPDATE: Well, upon rinsing, you can definitely tell that I tried to do something to my hair. I dunno if you can tell that it's highlights, and not just a bad dye job, but there's definitely red in it.

Posted by Rachel at 1:30 AM |

Wednesday, October 06, 2004 

saturday night's all right for fightin'

Y'know, I guess it was Homecoming week here at SVSU was last week. So says the calendar of events, anyway. But I didn't participate. Why? Because oddly, my loyalties still lie in STC, whose Homecoming game was also last week. It's not that I miss STC HS - on the contrary, when I went to pick up my yearbook the week before, I realized as I walked down the hall just how glad I was to be gone. I got sort of an uneasy feeling, being there. No, the main reason I went was to see all the other alumni (and some of the kids still in school). I didn't watch the game; I hear they lost. We left at half-time to complete more important business. Well, in part.

Of all the people I saw at the game, I'd have to say my most interesting encounter was with Brittany Schneider, my best friend from middle school. Talking to her for the few minutes I did made me realize a few things. One, I've changed a lot since middle school. Two, she hasn't changed much since middle school. Three, she's one of those people who really only cares about herself and what she has to say. Harsh, perhaps, but true...

She's got herself a boyfriend who's old enough to be her father. To each his own, I guess.

I saw a lot of the kids from my graduating class. I guess it was nice. I didn't talk to many of them though, aside from Ryan and Jeff and Anna, obviously. But I went with them. And Alex and Dan and Urbain.

I saw Kurtis there but didn't say anything to him. It was so strange, the feeling I got when I first saw him. It was like....like our whole past washed over me in just a few seconds then brought me back to the present, to that particular moment. Does that make sense? It's the best way I can explain it. I was going to go up to him and at least say hi, but then Dan, Anna, and I ended up leaving before I got the chance.

I didn't really want to leave. Well, not so much that as I kind of wish I would have gone back after we finished our business. It possibly would have been better than the alternative, which was taking an hour drive by myself to avoid the duration of Dan, Anna, and Alex getting drunk together.

I used to refuse to be around people who are drinking - bad family memories, I guess you could say. Maybe it seems ridiculous and irrational to still be hung up on it, but "it's a fool who looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart." I don't mind being around people who are drinking now as long as I'm not the only one who isn't, but I guess I just can't handle it when I'm the only sober one. So I left for awhile. Which was probably just as well. It gave me some time to myself, some much-needed time to think. I don't seem to have a lot of time to think and reflect lately.

Posted by Rachel at 8:59 PM |

 

movies

I saw four movies this weekend: three good, one bad.

We'll start with the "bad" one, viewed at Urbain's Thursday night with him, Dippy, Ren, and Jeffy (special thanks to Jeffy for responding affirmatively to the line, "bake me a pie!" - the blueberry pie was very good indeed). It wasn't the worst movie I've ever seen but it certainly wouldn't be in the Top 5 Best List. The movie: Punch Drunk Love. Maybe they were trying to be all cutting-edge with the scenes and the way they presented the plot and all that, but I was not the only one annoyed with the way it flowed. And the background music they played throughout much of it really irritated me.

Next viewed movie: "Without a Paddle," in the Owosso theatre with Anna, Ryan, and Dan on Saturday night. Hilarious movie, definitely funnier than I expected (I was expecting lots of dumb jokes and cliche stuff, but was pleasantly surprised). Anna and I laughed through most of it - we decided it was definitely worth seeing again. I think it did Anna good to laugh....

The last two movies were viewed late-night Sunday night at Jeffy's house with him and Urbain - first it was "Mean Girls" (which I think I've raved about before - I insisted that they rent it) then it was "I am Sam." Lovely movie, it was. I came so close to crying during a scene or two. Lol once again, a thank-you goes out to Jeffy for feeding me goulash and allowing us to eat all the peanut butter cookies. Cuz you can't watch a movie without food.

Posted by Rachel at 1:55 AM |

Monday, October 04, 2004 

I made a mix of slow songs this summer entitled "songs to make you cry." And while the songs don't actually make me cry (well, one or two of them have a time or two, but it wasn't the song itself so much as it was the circumstances under which the song was played), they got me thinking last night about love songs. I'll get to the point. What do you guys think are the best love songs? I mean in terms of slow songs, the song-you'd-play-at-your-wedding type deal.

I think my personal favorite is Savage Garden's "Truly Madly Deeply." But then I listened to my old Slow mix and found a couple love songs I'd forgotten about. So what says everyone else?

Posted by Rachel at 2:04 PM |

 

strange

Strange, isn't it, how a person can hurt you when they think they're just trying to protect themselves?

Posted by Rachel at 1:48 PM |