Tuesday, February 28, 2006 

I am very tired of writing papers and I can't wait for spring break.

Very, VERY tired of writing papers.

Does anyone plan on buying something from Best Buy in the near future and paying cash for it? Because due to a screw-up on my brother's part, I have $260 in Best Buy gift cards that I have no use for and an extra $260 charged to my Best Buy card that needs to be paid off by May 1 (if I want to avoid finance charges). (To make a long story short, I let my brother charge an mp3 player to my card, then he took it back without bringing my card with him so they gave him gift cards instead).

I got my MEAP money back and then went and bought a $300 digital camera. So much for saving up. I'm thinking about getting a new phone too; mine likes to drop calls and cut out a lot (in its defense, I've had it for over a year and I bought it used, so who knows how old it is). Plus I hear the newer Nextel models get better reception. I don't really want to spend more money though.

My mom bought train tickets to Chicago for herself and me. April 7-10 I'll be shopping it up on Michigan Avenue. Pretty excited about that. Now we just need to find a hotel...

Yeah....Jeff's not answering his phone, so I guess it's more paper-writing then off to bed with me.

Posted by Rachel at 9:18 PM |

Tuesday, February 21, 2006 

Friday night I found out that I didn't have to work Sunday, so I called Dan and told him I wanted to just get away for a night. So Saturday night we rented a hotel room (is rented the right word?) in Bay City and off we went. It was so nice. We checked in then went out to eat then came back and watched their cable TV then went swimming and ordered pizza and had it delivered right to our room. Then we watched more TV (Back to the Future I and II happened to come on that day, actually) and snuggled in bed together.

I would've liked to stay a whole weekend instead of just one night. I hope we make it a tradition, to just get away like that.

Posted by Rachel at 10:50 PM |

 

the list, in no particular order...

`I want a man who shares common interests with me. We don't have to share all interests (just the ones I deem important. Like an interest in travelling the world and favoring variety over routine. And maybe some of the more specific things, too, like shopping).

`I want a man who will show a genuine interest in what I have to say about my interests, even if it's only because I'm the one who's interested. He doesn't have to take up my hobbies, but I want him to care about what makes me happy.

-I want a man who is patient with me.

`I want a man who values both going out together and staying in alone together, and sometimes just getting away together.

I want a man who understands that a meaningful or thoughtful gift is much more valuable than an expensive gift, and that jewelry is always a safe bet because it holds sentimental value and, whenever I wear it (which would probably be "always") it would serve as a reminder of him while I go about my day. (Not that I would need a reminder, because I'd probably already be keeping him at the edge of my mind. But for me jewelry is symbolic, especially when it is a gift.)

I want a man who finds me irresistible. This encompasses so many things...

I want a man who isn't afraid to will reach for my hand or put his arm around me or even kiss me when we're in public.

-I want a man who will allow my presence in his life to alter his previously-laid plans or influence his decisions (for example, if he has the option of partying with his friends or staying in with me, I want him to sometimes choose me, even if it means missing out on the party [this is somewhat metaphorical as well, symbolizing bigger things]).

I want a man who actually wants to make out with me, even if it doesn't always lead to something more sexual.

-I guess this means I want a man who is affectionate.

I want a man who believes in old-fashioned things like opening a door for a girl or walking her to her door/car when they part.

`I want a man who is strong, physically, spiritually, and emotionally, but is not cold.

`I want a man who is honest. One who won't play games with me or tell me what he thinks I want to hear.

I want a man who will write me a love letter, if for no other reason than simply because I ask him to.

I want a man who will be silly with me, who will play in the rain and look at the stars with me.

I want a man who will surprise me, who will find ways to show me that he's been thinking about me even when I haven't been around.

`I want a man who doesn't drink too much and doesn't smoke at all.

`I want a man who will dance with me. At least slow dancing.

`I want a man who smells good (because a guy who appeals to more than just the sense of sight is infinitely more attractive).

`I want a man who has goals and ambitions in life and isn't afraid to go after them.

`I want a man who believes in honor. Who has values and morals that are strong like mine (this, too, encompasses so many things).

`I want a man who will make me feel protected.

I want a man who won't hesitate to reassure me that I'm exactly what he wants. One who will tell me he loves me for no reason other than the simple fact that he does.

I want a man who loves me enough to actually openly desire a future with me, no matter how uncertain such a future might be.

.


This is what I want and in turn much of what I can give.

Posted by Rachel at 4:38 PM |

Thursday, February 16, 2006 

We're back together now. As of yesterday. More happened in between but I'd rather not get into it at the moment. I should be ecstatic, but truthfully I'm still a little traumatized. We talked about a few changes we need to make, but it's too soon to tell whether we'll be successful.

Posted by Rachel at 6:09 PM |

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 

I left him a message about coming to get my stuff. He called me back.

me: hi.

him: hi. (pause) What stuff do you have at my house?

me: (names off various things)

him: oh yeah...what time would you come over tomorrow?

me: when I get out of work.

him: so around 230 then?

me: yeah. (pause) I already told people I'm not giving kitty back though.

him: that's fine. (pause) how are you?

me: I've been better (as I start to cry - talk about understatement of the century)...you?

him: I'm a little shaken up. (he said something else but I can't remember what)

him: I guess I'll see you tomorrow then.

me: okay (attempting to not cry)

very long pause

him: no, actually, I don't want to wait until tomorrow to talk about this.

me: talk about what

again, I don't remember the exact sequence of events. He said he felt like I was pushing him, like I wasn't listening to him. Like I wanted him to sit down and plan out a future together. I told him that wasn't what I wanted at all. I told him that I'm insecure, I just wanted some reassurance...he asked me why I was insecure. "It's just the way I am," I said, "I've always been insecure." I told him that sometimes he just seems so indifferent about us. I just wanted to know whether he thought we had some kind of future together.

He said he hadn't really thought about it. He said, "Did I like where we were? I did. Did I love you? I do." He told me, "I'm not ready to plan out a future. That's why I was hesitant about moving in with you." I said, "I know, I wasn't asking you to do that at all. I just wanted some reassurance that you weren't going to break up with me tomorrow. But that backfired, didn't it?" (attempting a joke...commence me crying again). He said he hadn't been planning on doing it at all. I told him that the worst part was that I didn't know what he was doing, whether he was upset too or just continuing to go about his business with one less burden on his list of things to do. He said that the past couple days have been hard on him too. He said he regretted what he'd done. His tone was kind and he called me love and thought for a minute then said, "here's what I think..."

"I think if we both came a little way, we could make it work. If you were patient with me, and I can be more reassuring." He said it wasn't entirely my fault, that he was at fault too. That he wanted to try again. He asked me what I think.

So I took a minute to think. "Are you still there?" he asked. "yeah," I said, "I just...I don't want to go through all of this again." Then realizing how it sounded, I tried to correct myself. "I know what you mean," he said, "and I think if we both come a little way, I don't see any reason why we would."

Still I hesitated. All my misery could be ended now. I could have what I wanted with something as effortless as a few uttered words. But I wanted him to try a little harder...after all, my misery is largely (though not entirely) due to his actions. Is that wrong of me?

His lunch was over. "Well, think about it and leave me a voice mail or something, or I'll talk to you tomorrow," he said.

me: okay.

him: bye

me: bye



So tomorrow decides it, I guess.

Posted by Rachel at 10:49 PM |

 

It doesn't exactly represent my feelings, but it cheered me a bit nonetheless.

"Fuck Valentines Day"

Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?

People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year.

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass

I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week

Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid

The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit

So here's my story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!

Posted by Rachel at 9:26 PM |

Monday, February 13, 2006 

So after one year, five months, and two days, I guess it's over.

Love is cruel.

Posted by Rachel at 9:41 PM |

 

my heart is broken and i can't breathe and i can't stop shaking

i don't know what to do

Posted by Rachel at 3:15 PM |

 

I hate February.

And my back hurts.

I want warm weather. And someone to talk to. It's too quiet here.

Posted by Rachel at 12:16 PM |

Thursday, February 02, 2006 

The worst month of the year has officially arrived. Thank God it's also the shortest month.

So far it hasn't started too badly. But we ARE only a few hours into the second day.

I don't want to think about valentine's day though. Because it hasn't been anything more than a disappointment since elementary school.

Apparently the groundhog saw his shadow. Big surprise there. If it's daylight out, there's going to be some kind of shadow emitted. So, it's six more weeks of winter for us. As long as it continues to be a fairly mild winter like it has been recently (temps in the 40's, a moderate amount of sunshine) I can't complain too much.

I am still excited for Spring though.

Posted by Rachel at 10:18 AM |