Friday, April 28, 2006 

So today marks two weeks in the life of singleness for me. Ha, if I make it one more week, I'll be breaking my own record. I don't exactly see me NOT making it...I'm still going strong, I guess, though I feel like I might be starting to slip a little. I've come into the problem of having various things randomly remind me of him. Though I've gotten past the idea that he's not going to call me at 7:50 or 10pm every night like he used to. And that I'm not going to call him on my way home from work every afternoon like I used to.

Hopefully this weekend will provide some good distractions. The trip to Mt Pleasant tomorrow night will hopefully help do the trick. Hopefully I don't have to be to work early Sunday morning...

It would appear that I'm feeling hopeful.

Posted by Rachel at 7:30 AM |

Wednesday, April 26, 2006 

Tonight my brother and I got home at about the same time. He pulled into a spot on one side of the parking lot and I parked on the opposite side. When he got out of his car, he actually stood and waited for me. I was like, "wow, you waited." He said, "yeah, there's a couple guys just sitting in a white car there, so I figured I'd wait for you so you wouldn't be walking up here alone."

And earlier I mentioned to him the prospect of me starting to drink (not that I've decided one way or the other), and he wanted me to do it with him and a couple of his friends the first time so he could keep an eye on me. Otherwise, he said, I better have my phone handy with his number in it in case anything happened, and he'd drive over and "whoop some ass" if he had to, lol. I told him that if anything, I'd probably be in Mt Pleasant drinking, and he said, "well, then I'd get there in half the time it takes you to drive up there."

If only all guys were this protective of and concerned for the well-being of their girls...we'd have nothing to worry about.

I'm gonna miss him when he leaves for AZ. :(

Posted by Rachel at 10:43 PM |

Friday, April 21, 2006 

So...Today marks one week in the life of singleness for me. And aside from a dramatic cutback of eating and sleeping, I'm doing much better than I would have expected of myself. Blocking it out of my mind or only giving it a few seconds' thought in passing seems to be working the best, though I'm waiting for the day I crash and sit around crying while listening to sad music. I can only hope that that day won't come; I guess we'll see. My friends have been wonderful distractions (my social life is blossoming like I never would have imagined). I just hope that allowing myself to be distracted by a certain person in particular hasn't set me up to stumble into a whole new array of problems....but I'll leave it at that.

I also have found that blaring dance and 90's pop music and singing along is a great pick-me-up (my personal favorite at the moment is "All for Love" by Color Me Badd - you can't help but be cheered when you listen to it). And I'm seriously contemplating the purchase of a punching bag and some gloves for the days when I just feel like pounding on something.

And of course I'm trying to find myself again and blah blah blah. That comes with time.

Posted by Rachel at 4:36 PM |

Thursday, April 20, 2006 

You'd think that finally getting more than 4 hours of sleep in a night would be good. But then the dreams start that leave me feeling dejected in the morning.

Uncool.

Posted by Rachel at 9:32 AM |

Tuesday, April 18, 2006 

Well, in the 3-4 days that I've been single, I've already gone on a date, made out, and received a marriage proposal, and it was 3 different guys!

Haha, seriously though, Ryan and I have decided that if we're still alive and alone when we reach the ripe old age of 70something, we'll get married (for convenience) and live in a retirement home together, lol.

It brightened my morning a bit. I was feeling pretty blah when I got up.

Posted by Rachel at 9:25 AM |

Monday, April 17, 2006 

So a few things have occured over the weekend that lead me to the realization that perhaps the single life won't be so bad after all.

For one, your social life blossoms and you learn who your real friends are.

For two, you can go where ever and do whatever you want and not have to answer to anyone for it.

Posted by Rachel at 2:13 PM |

Saturday, April 15, 2006 

So I guess he's hanging out with his ex girlfriend tonight. The one he dated for 3 weeks (almost two years ago) before she broke up with him for Jon (whom she broke up with a few months ago). The one he was supposedly going to break up with anyway because she annoyed him.

Apparently, he's also been talking to her at least on and off for the past few weeks.

The worst part is, I know he doesn't give a shit about what it might be doing to me. He doesn't even know I know, yet. But he said it himself: he doesn't feel as strongly about me as he should.

I was okay til I found all of this out. Now I can't stand to be alone because then I start to think about it. Then I start all this crying b.s.

My worst fears are coming true, I guess. My insecurities weren't unfounded after all. His phone is disconnected and they don't have internet so I can't talk to him about any of it. Though I don't think it would do me any good if I could.

Posted by Rachel at 11:02 PM |

Friday, April 14, 2006 

It's a beautiful day outside and I wanted to spend it with him.

But he decided we shouldn't be together anymore.

I should have learned by now that the second breakup is inevitable, especially when the first is only 48 hours long (or less). Two days isn't long enough to resolve anything.

I don't really want to be single. It's going to take some getting used to. And I already miss him but at the same time it was inevitable, I guess. He said he doesn't feel the way he should about us....and I could kind of tell. He stopped asking me to come over and we haven't seen each other all week. I haven't been making my usual effort either...it's kind of discouraging when you never get the response you want anyway.

I've given it some thought myself lately, admittedly. He's kind of lost sight some of the honor that made me fall in love with him in the first place, and I know I've changed too. He says we have different aspirations, and I guess it wasn't worth it to him to stick together and find out where they take us. Though I don't know how far he plans on going anyway.

I don't mean that in a bitchy way. I know I've been a little bitchier than usual with him lately. But again, that's really only because I kind of felt him pulling away....our relationship wasn't what a healthy relationship should be. I guess being so attached to him as I was, I was prepared to stick with it to the end.

I guess this is that end.

He says he honestly hopes we can be friends some day. I guess I do too.

Posted by Rachel at 1:28 PM |

Tuesday, April 11, 2006 

I need money. Dramatically so. It's getting to the point where I might have to start selling myself. Except I'm skeptical as to whether anyone would even pay because even my own boyfriend won't sleep with me, and he's getting it for free. I'm not even diseased!

In completely unrelated news, the swelling in my foot seems to have finally gone down a bit. Still not sure what the problem is, it hasn't hurt since my 5-hour work shift on Sunday (except for the occasional momentary twinge of pain).

It's only 930 and I'm ready to go to bed. Why is stress so tiresome?

Posted by Rachel at 9:26 PM |

Friday, April 07, 2006 

Charter has this neat little trick they don't tell you about called SVSU student discount. So, while the rest of you are paying $57.99 a month for 3MG cable internet, I'm paying a sweet $32.99.

My internet will be back on Tuesday morning.

In other news, I seemed to have injured my foot somehow (I think it was the crappy Old Navy dress shoes I wore all day last Friday); the arch of my right foot and around my inside ankle bone has become swollen and tender and a little painful to walk on at times. It was getting better, at least until I stood on it for 4 hours at Old Navy tonight. Does it make me masochistic to say that I somewhat enjoy the pain? I've never had a broken bone or a sprained ankle or a fracture or any of that. I went to the doctor Thursday morning and she suspected perhaps a stress fracture but nothing showed up on the x-rays. It wasn't ruled out completely but she doesn't think that's what it was. She told me to elevate it when I rest and put ice on it for 15 minutes every few hours, and to come back if it's not better within a week.

Ha! Rest!? What rest??

Posted by Rachel at 10:56 PM |

Monday, April 03, 2006 

My car has developed a coolant leak somewhere. It requires me to refill the coolant every few days and prohibits me from driving very far without overheating. I've had several helpful people attempt to diagnose the problem (I've heard everything from needing to replace a $3 hose to potentially having a cracked engine block) but the problem is not yet fixed. Actually, I should probably call my dad again and tell him that I have discovered where it's dripping from (that was my assignment).

So aside from having no internet, I also can't drive long distances (like, say, to Mt. Pleasant). So I have no idea what anyone's doing. (Call me!)

My car has developed a loud ticking sound, which my dad thinks is just one of the lifters (part of the engine that controls air intake/exhaust....I'm sure most of you who don't already know what I'm talking about don't care either, but I find it rather interesting [mine's a single overhead cam, if anyone does care]). Anyway, it's not a problem that's easily fixable (at least that's the impression I got from talking to my brother and father) but apparently a car can survive thousands of miles before the problem gets serious.

My dad did tell me though I should probably think about getting a new car before too long because cars like mine usually only last about 150,000 miles or so (mine's at 129,700 [approximately]).

Posted by Rachel at 5:10 PM |